Thursday, April 23, 2009

True Wayne County Residents

The church I serve is located in Huntington, WV. Most of Huntington lies in Cabell County. However, the far western section of the city (the Westmoreland neighborhood) lies in Wayne County. Wayne County is an interesting place. The northern end of the county (along the Ohio River) is mostly urban. The area around Huntington is suburban in nature. The rest of the county is pretty rural, stretching south down the Big Sandy River and its Tug Fork, all the way to the Mingo County line. The people of Wayne County are great folks, and a unique lot. Butch and Betsy Cotton (residents of Westmoreland and members of Westmoreland Baptist Church) sent me the following piece. I found it to be humorous and very true, and just had to share it with my readers. Anyone from southern West Virginia or eastern Kentucky should be able to identify (even if they aren't an Adkins, Maynard, or Napier).



1.) Only a true Wayne County resident knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them. They also know that a whoopin will soon follow one.

2.) Only a true Wayne County resident knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess.

3.) True Wayne County residents know the difference between Napier (nayp-yer) and Napier (napper). A Napier (nayp-yer) is a Napier (napper) with five dollars in his pocket.

4.) Only a true Wayne County resident knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to Kenny Queen's, be back directly.

5.) All true Wayne County residents, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.

6.) All true Wayne County residents know that branch, creek, lick, and fork refer to both bodies of water and roads.

7.) Only a true Wayne County resident knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)

8.) Only a true Wayne County resident knows that C-K is not a town. It is two towns - Ceredo and Kenova.

9.) Only a true Wayne County resident both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

10.) No true Wayne County resident would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn, but will ALWAYS assume the person in the passing lane and not passing anyone is from Kentucky or Ohio .

11.) A true Wayne County resident knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

12.) Only a true Wayne County resident knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.

13.) Only true Wayne County residents make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

14.) Put 100 true Wayne County residents in a room and 98 of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage. 85 of them will also find out that they are (or were) an Adkins, Napier, or Maynard.

15.) True Wayne County residents never refer to one person as "y'all.

16.) True Wayne County residents know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

17.) Every true Wayne County resident knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food; and that all are (were) available at the Pioneer (pronounced Pawn-eer) restaurant.

18.) When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' ..." you know you are in the presence of a genuine Wayne County resident!

19.) Only true Wayne County residents grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

20.) A true Wayne County resident knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart". They do, however, scream obscenities at coal trucks; but have the good sense to get out of their way.

21.) Only a true Wayne County resident can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder." It is anywhere beyond the "holler" in which you are currently standing.

22.) Only true Wayne County residents say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

23.) And only true Wayne County residents know where "Out Wayne" is.

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