Thursday, January 29, 2009

You May Be A Southern Baptist, If -

Those of us who are Southern Baptists are proud of our tradition, although truthfully, many of our members have very little understanding of Southern Baptist Convention history. I have been a Christian since 1969 but was raised in a Baptist Church that was of another denomination - one that was more Arminian in it's theology. I attended it's Bible College, was ordained into the ministry, and served as pastor or staff person at three of their churches. As I began to come to a better understanding of the Doctrines of Grace, I was drawn to move my membership to a church of like faith and practice with my beliefs.

In the early 1980's as I came to learn more about the recent Conservative Resurgence in the Southern Baptist Convention. I was already familiar with the ministry of Charles Stanley, had read a number of Herschel Hobbs and R.G. Lee's books, and was thrilled by the preaching of Adrian Rogers. The SBC seemed like a good fit for me, so I began to seek out a local Southern Baptist Church. Linda and I were warmly welcomed into the fellowship of Second Baptist Church of Ashland, KY, where we worshipped and served until God called me to my first SBC pastorate in Boyd Co. KY. Since that time, I have pastored three SBC churches. I served in several positions in the Greenup Baptist Association in Kentucky before assuming the pastorate of Westmoreland Baptist Church across the river in West Virginia. Since then, I have served two one year terms as President of the West Virginia Convention of Southern Baptists and I am honored to be serving as a Trustee of New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary.

I've said all that to say this. I love the SBC. I love the Baptist Faith and Message. I love the Cooperative Program. And I love Baptist people. Having served three Southern Baptist Churches as Pastor, I have come to know and love all types of church members. We don't appreciate others making sport of us, but we Baptists never mind poking a little fun at ourselves. The late Dan McBride, of Texas, had a great knack for writing funny songs (like "Tiptoe Through The Tithers", "Send Me To the Convention", etc) that pointed out some of our Baptist idiosyncrasies. We are some of the best people on earth - and some of the funniest.

In that light, I'd like to share some funnies with you. They're certainly not original with me, and many of you may have heard some of these before. I hope they bring a chuckle (or even a belly laugh) to you. So, with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, You might be a Southern Baptist if:

1. If you ever thought that John the Baptist was the first president of the Southern Baptist Convention...

2. If you've ever asked if we are ever going to get those two women (Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong) paid off...

3. If you feel guilty about not checking all the boxes on your offering envelope...

4. If you've ever broken the binding in your Bible by putting your Sunday School Quarterly in it....

5. If you more eagerly anticipate business meetings more than worship services...

6. If more adults sit on the front row at children's concerts than in Sunday morning service...

7. If you have never sung the third verse of any song in the hymnal...

8. If your definition of "fellowship" has something to do with casseroles...

9. If you have ever received the "stink eye" from an older member because "you're in her pew"...

10. If you have ever referred to chicken as "Gospel Bird"...

11. If you were afraid of one of the deacons when you were little...

12. If you were ever afraid of one of the deacons when you were grown!...

13. If you have ever judged the quality of a sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the pastor...

14. If your church choir has 25 ladies and only 4 men...

15. If you know the pledge of allegiance to the Christian Flag and the Bible...

16. If you pastor has a "fried chicken belly"...

17. If everything you know about surgery and illnesses came from requests at Wednesday night prayer meeting...

18. If you automatically stand with head bowed and eyes closed at the first notes of "Just As I Am"...

19. If you think the Spirit of God is strongest on the back three rows...

20. If you met your spouse at camp...

21. If your church has ever had a joint fish fry/communion/and baptism service...

22. If you have ever been given, or given someone else the "right hand of fellowship"...

23. If you have felt the urge to say, "Amen" after every song...

25. If you can name the major mission offerings, but cannot find the book of Habbakkuk...

26. If you think Jesus actually used Welche's Grape Juice...

27. If you are willing to sit in a pew an hour and a half discussing the church budget...

28. If you went directly from attending VBS to teaching it...

29. If you judge the quality of the sermon by it's length...

30. If your entire summer calendar revolves around VBS and Camp...

31. If you have ever woke up in the middle of the night craving fried chicken and took it as a call to preach...

32. If you have ever put an IOU in the offering plate...

33. If you think the Building Fund is sacred...

34. If your church secretary attends the Assembly of God Church (deny it but you know it's true!)...

35. If you think Lottie Moon was a character from the Bible...

36. If you suspect that someone who says "Amen" when the preacher is preaching is a Charismatic...

37. If you think Billy Graham is the Pope...

38. If you honestly believe that the Apostle Paul really spoke King James English...

39. If you don't want to take a definite stand on Calvinism...

40. If your pastor ever got fired for moving the pulpit 5 inches to the right...

41. If your pastor considers dancing one of the Seven Deadly Sins...

42. If you've ever thought, "We've never done it that way before" are words of great wisdom...

43. If you feel guilty about throwing away the bulletin...

44. If you think "Victory In Jesus" is the church fight song...

45. If you know all the verses to "Just As I Am"...

...YOU MIGHT BE A SOUTHERN BAPTIST!

1 comment:

Rev. E. Scott Hart said...

I really enjoyed that. Thank you for sharing.