For those who do not know, I was diagnosed in November, 2004 with colon cancer. When they found the malignancy it had already metastasized to my liver and a number of lymph nodes. The prognosis was not good. In fact it was pretty bad. "Stage 4. Incurable, but hopefully treatable." After much prodding, the oncologist told me that the "average survival time for my type of cancer was 18 - 22 months". Pretty sobering news.
After three surgical procedures and two six month courses of chemotherapy, thanks to the Grace of God, next week marks my 31st month of survival! I thank Him for every day He has given me to live with Linda, to serve my church, to do my mission work in the Philippines, to spend more time with my sons, and get to know my grandsons better. I thought I would share a couple of my journal entries with you from last year.
The first is from January, 2006 as follows:
"What a difference an hour makes!
Sixty minutes ago I was on top of the world. I had been in remission since the procedure in September that “burned out” the three remaining tumors from my liver. The last four months have been some of the best of my adult life – celebrating Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Will’s fifth birthday. I made my 5th mission trip to the Philippines, and enjoyed watching many games of Benji’s first basketball team’s successful 24-5 season – all happy times! Physically, I feel better than I have in years. I walked two miles this morning at a brisk pace in the fitness center. I had increased the reps on the Nautilus machines, and I was actually looking forward to my scheduled appointment with Dr. Jain – although I really thought it somewhat of an aggravation, and probably not the best use of my time.
When he asked how I felt, I filled his ears with all of the above. Linda, who had left work to join me there, echoed the joys of “remission”. Then he dropped the bomb! The cancer was back.
Remission is only a pleasant memory.
Time for chemotherapy to begin - again!
Thud! That, my friends is the sound of formerly rising hopes hitting bottom.
Linda took it hard. It’s tougher for her. Don’t get me wrong. There are a couple of million things I would have preferred to have heard him say, but I truly have a deep, settled peace about it in my heart. Obviously, it is often on my mind, but is not a source of anxiety. Whenever I hear someone talking about an event that is scheduled in the next year or so, I automatically wonder, “Will I be able to attend?” When I look at my four precious grandsons, I ask myself, “How much of their future will I be able to share?” When I think of my life with Linda, the question arises, “How many more anniversaries will we share?” (the one this June will be our 35th). But then the Holy Spirit reminds me that we are ALL terminal. We just don’t have the luxury (or the curse) of knowing exactly when God has scheduled our appointment. A dear lady I know, who is similarly afflicted, has hit the nail squarely on the head. She said, “I am not going to spend the rest of my life dying!” Neither am I. If God chooses to give me ten months or ten years, I want it to be spent in His service.
My faith sustains me in knowing that I have given it all to God. With Linda it’s a little different. She already has her elderly father to care for. Not that she has no faith. Absolutely not! She has strong faith in God, and is one of the most optimistic people I know. However, my 35 years in ministry has led me to understand that it is always tougher on family members and caregivers. I hate the thought that whenever the time comes, she will have to carry so much of the load. She doesn’t deserve that. Wives never do, but sadly it often falls to them.
Your promise: And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. (2 Corinthians. 12: 9)
My Prayer: “Dear God, please abundantly supply Linda with your promised sufficient Grace – both now and then. She needs it day by day. We all do.'"
The second journal entry I want to share with you is from six months later in June, 2006:
"This week marks a milestone of sorts in my life, and that of my family.
Eighteen months ago, after tests were done to determine where I was losing blood, I learned that there was a large, dangerous looking growth in my colon. One week later, when surgery was done to remove thee and a half feet of my intestines the solemn faced doctor came to my hospital room to share the bad news with us. “Colon cancer”, he said. While those words were shocking enough on their own, that wasn’t the worst of it. It had spread to several lymph nodes and there were at least seven malignant tumors in my liver. “Your cancer is in the fourth stage”, he said, “and it is incurable, but hopefully manageable.”
INCURABLE. What a word! One that I never dreamed of hearing, yet there it was. Most of you know the story. Seven months of chemotherapy. Another surgical procedure. Five months of wonderful remission, then the gut wrenching news that the cancer had come back with “several” lesions detected in my liver. Back to chemotherapy and all that goes with it.
My purpose of writing today is not to rehash all that stuff, but simply to share with you a verse of scripture that God has used to speak to my heart during these last eighteen months. It is found in the middle (and longest) chapter of the Bible.
“It is good for me that I have been afflicted,
That I may learn Your statutes”. – Psalm 119: 71
A few verses earlier the Psalmist writes that before he was afflicted he had gone astray. Now he says that the affliction has caused him to come closer to God in hearing and doing His Word. The affliction has brought the writer closer to God and to an understanding of God’s goodness and the wonderful treasure of His revealed Word to us.
I hadn’t “gone astray” from God in the strictest sense, but over 34 years of ministry there were times when I was not as immersed in His Word as I should have been. You all know the feeling. There is work to be done. Family matters and job situations to attend to. Ministry to be performed. Needs to be met. Meetings to attend. Scores of things to distract us from the importance of getting alone with God and listening intently to what He has to say. I can identify with this writer when he says, “It is good for me that I have been afflicted…”.
God has used this time to draw me closer to His side. To speak to me afresh from the treasure of His Word. To remind me of the plans He has for me – plans to prosper and not to harm me. Plans to give me hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11). He has used His Word to remind me of that Peace of God that surpasses human understanding. (Philippians 4: 7) I have believed in that peace, and taught and preached about it for over three decades. Now I EXPERIENCE it daily!
His Word reminds me of the kinship we have as brothers and sisters in Christ, and as children of the Heavenly Father, and I have experienced the love and compassion of more friends than I ever knew I had. His Word reminds me that there is a lost world around us, and we must keep the fires of evangelism fanned into flame!
Now eighteen months have passed. I am still going through the treatments. One doctor recently told me I had “already outlived my prognosis.” That was certainly encouraging!
Oh, it’s been quite a year and a half. Not exactly pleasant… Many questions… Plenty of challenges… Lots of unknowns - but quite possibly the best year and a half of my life! God’s blessings come in some of the most unexpected ways."
Hopefully these thoughts may minister to someone who may be going through similar circumstances.
I have been blessed with and excellent Oncologist in Kirti Jain, and with a personal relationship with the Great Physician. I can't lose!
It has been a full year since my last chemo treatment. I am enjoying remission for the second time. How long will it last? Only God knows. My job is to strap in and take the ride.
Quite a ride so far!!!
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